Today is my 'due date'!

      It's here! September 3rd, 2014! My due date! Sadly, he's not here yet! Haha. The past two days, my hips have been killing me, I've been having random contractions, harder time sleeping, acne, lots of bowel movements, and everything I eat leaves a metallic taste in my mouth. Does that mean labor is coming soon!? I hope so. I'm hoping it comes and I can find some happiness that I've been lacking. 

39 weeks today

     One more week until my due date. I'm just so worried about my baby in there, especially after the accident, that I'm incredibly anxious to have him out of me. Ive been having Braxton hicks and some pressure in my hips. I'm trying the fresh pineapple induction trick! I'll keep you posted!

Car Accident

     This is going to be a short post, because I would rather not relive the accident anymore than I already have in my head. A lady pulled out in front of me so fast I didn't have time to hit my breaks. I hit her, she spun 4 lanes over, and I then slammed Into a pole. They tried to get me out of the car but I refused until they brought someone who could check on my baby. They kept asking me if he was moving and I was thinking, 'he's probably in shock, why would he be moving?' The ambulance got there, they found his heart beat which was nice and strong, but I still wasn't reassured. I was taken to the ER where they thought my passenger was the pregnant one, which made her super mad, and she got In before me because of that. After my mom yelling at everyone there, they finally released me up to labor and delivery. They monitored him and gave me an ultrasound. He's okay, but I've been worrying like hell the last few days. What If he ends up not being okay? I didn't call his father. I wanted to so bad.. I just couldn't stand the pain it would cause me if he didn't care about me or our baby. I did have my sister In law call his mom though because I needed her support.

      A lot of people came to the hospital. It was nice, but I was so stressed and worried that I wanted to fall apart, alone. I ended up with some bad bruises where my seatbelt dug I to me, on my collarbone and the bottom of my stomach, and my passenger had some bruised ribs. For being in a car that is smashed to bits and absolutely totaled? We're all lucky to be alive.

38 Week Appointment

      My appointment had to be rescheduled from Tuesday to Thursday. I was so disappointmented! I felt deprived. I love hearing my baby's heart beat. So I had it today and went over my list of ailments. My morning sickness is back, my right hand doesn't like to move, especially In the morning, and sometimes when I eat, my tongue has been going numb. I also told him about my awful swelling. Everything is normal except he has no idea why my tongue is going numb. That's reassuring, right?

      So the doctor had me pull up my shirt to check his heart beat. He found it right away but my son had other plans. I started hearing a popping noise on his machine and saw the doctor roll his eyes. My kid was moving around and punching the Doppler :) I laughed so hard! It was so cute and he kept doing it. The doctor also commented on how firm my belly is. It's been firm for more than half of my pregnancy but now it's crazy hard. I think it's because My boy is taking up so much room in there! When I laid down, I felt him pushing up on my belly for more room :)

Breast Feeding

      I want to breastfeed. It's apparently the best way to feed your baby. Your milk has all the vitamins your baby needs and it's free! It's also a huge bonding time for you and your baby.  

     For the last month, my mom has been questioning me doing it. My friend was over the other week, breastfeeding, and my mom was like, see Leanne, it's a full Time job! Being your baby's food. Are you sure you want to do it?

      I was confused as to why she was acting like that until today when she asked me once again if i was sure it was what I wanted to do. I, of course, told her yes. Her reply was, how are we suppose to feed the baby  and let you sleep!? I was like, ahh. Don't worry. After the first week or so, I'll pump. She wants me to pump from the get-go so they can all share in. I understand that but I really want to do the whole breastfeeding thing while I can. 

37 weeks!

     Today marks the day where I am 37 weeks pregnant! That means, my little baby could come any day! I'm so nervous for the day! And it's not even because of the pain. I know, I'm starting to sound like a broken record but I wonder if his father will be there? Sigh. It's so scary to think I'll be doing this alone if not. But I'll finally have my little guy out and I won't have to worry about him being okay in there! I've been doing 'kick counts' a few times a day and he always does the amount within a minute instead of the hour they give you.. But I'm so afraid of losing him. If I lose him, I really won't have any attachment to this world. I've been silently battling depression since Rob left me, and sadly, my son is the only thing that has kept me from ending myself. It's not like I don't have support, because I do. And I have my hunter to live for.. It hurts to think to leave him.. But at the beginning all those feelings were blotted out with pain. I saw no light. Then Adrian started moving inside of me more often, and it kept me sane. My happiness is still a slight echo of what I had before.. But I know if I keep breathing, we'll find happiness someday. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

       So on a happy note, I've put in my notice for work! Told them I wanted my last day to be August 22nd. I just can't work right now. I'm so swollen and my left hand gets so bad that I feel a horrible pain in it when I try to use it for anything. I also lose feeling in both of my hands. Sigh. The stupid people at work are on my last nerve and it's taking everything in me not to just leave now. The only reason I'm working so close to my due date is because I definitely need the money. If I didn't need it, I would've stopped a month ago. 

       I haven't packed my hospital bag yet! I should probably so that soon :X I also haven't gotten a stroller/car seat yet. I'm hoping I get around to that soon so I don't have to send my mom out while I'm in labor. That would be quite a fail.

      My sister in law bought me a diaper bag too! But I haven't filled it yet. It's so hard to do because I still feel like I'm not having a baby. He moves nonstop but here I am like, oh, I'm just going to be pregnant for forever!

Baby Shower!

     I had my baby shower yesterday! It was awesome! The no. Awesome part was learning how much money went into it. Almost a thousand dollars. Holy geez. In my defense, I had absolutely no say in it and left it up to my sister in law! Haha. It was immaculate. Book themed everything! Including food! We had so much food and surprisingly very little leftovers. Almost 40 people showed up and I'm so thankful for them! The one thing I would have changed is being able to teleport all the people who couldn't make it!

      My brother was super disappointed though. Apparently when you throw a huge baby shower, the gifts will usually even out. He was disappointed because I barely got 200 dollars worth of stuff. I told him even though I didn't get much in gifts, I'm happy that so many important people came to celebrate with me. He still feels bad because he feels he could have used the money to buy me everything I needed for the baby since I still have quite a bit I need.

     I was so tired that I slept for 11 hours when I got home!

Last night's Insomnia

     Pregnancy insomnia is kicking my butt again, darn it. Last night, I was just lying on my bed and my little guy gets hiccups. Guess where his head is? Right down in my pelvis area. My vajay felt like it was pulsing. Too funny!

      My dreams are getting so sad lately. I also feel more heart broken than I have in a while. I don't even know what to do. I just want to cry and cry. 

      On the plus side, I just had my 36 week check up and I haven't gained any weight in the past two weeks and I'm only up 23 lbs. My son is also still super active. He's also finding his comfy spot up in my ribs. He's going to be so sad when he drops out of there!

Venting

      Some lady at work had the nerve to tell me that because my belly isn't huge, I had no reason to be in pain. What the heck? Oh, you're right. Because I didn't gain a bunch of weight and I carry small, my feet shouldn't swell or anything. I didn't even complain to her about pain. I was just waddling due to my legs/ feet being swollen and painful. 

     On a happy note, my little man has been moving nonstop the past two days.

    On a sad note, I just dreamt about his father and now my heart is aching.

Pregnancy Milestone

     I've finally reached a pregnancy milestone that I've been looking forward too! I'm 35 weeks and 2 days.. And I've finally come to the point where I can't see my feet when I stare straight down! I know. You probably think I'm strange.. But I'm so excited to finally be noticeably pregnant and not having everyone think I'm fat!

   Though I'm still feeling depressed, I'm throwing myself into helping my sister in law get things around for my baby shower. I've also just finished an 8 day stretch at work so the exhaustion helped keep my tears away. I've also been reading any extra moment I have .

     It's so strange to think that I'm really growing a baby!

Sigh. Still Not Okay.

       I love that my baby has been so active. I'm happy that this one thing in life is going well. 

       Everything else is bringing me pain. I dreamt last night that I was about to commit suicide, and I was okay with it. I was ready. I don't want to be that weak person and leave my baby. I think work gave me another anxiety attack as well. My heart wouldn't stop racing for an hour. I even called the doctor and went to get it checked out.

     I just don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard to feel any kind of normal emotion because pregnancy throws them all out of whack. I pray ever day that some day I'll be happy. Some day soon.

Orange Juice Boost

    My son wasn't moving as much as I'd like him to. (Paranoid) so I drank a glass of iced cold orange juice! Hehe. He's moving like crazy. 

      I had a weird thing happen today. I had just gotten into work and my heart started beating insanely. I sat down and relaxed and it still wouldn't go away. It lasted an hour so I finally called the doctor. They had me to straight in to see if they could  find out what's up. They said they'd call but they haven't. The funny part was, the lady realized my heart rate went up when I talked so she asked about Kmart and it absolutely skyrocketed. Sigh. Too bad I can't afford to not be working.

He's a Keeper

     I just are a bowl of strawberry shredded wheat cereal. 10 minutes after, My son started moving like crazy inside of me! He obviously loved it! Then after a few moments he slowed down because he got hiccups. He is so freaking cute. Definitely a keeper. I'm excited that he's overly exciteable like his mom ;)

      He's going to be here within 8 weeks! <3

Only 8 more weeks!

      There's only 8 more weeks until my due date! Today, I was excited all day long. My pregnant friend who is 3 weeks behind me, was telling me how nervous she is because she doesn't have and motherly tendency. I was born with the capacity to love very one like crazy.. And to care. A lot. So I'm not worried about being a mom. My worries are more centered around, I don't know how to be a dad and a mom. No one around me has been through this, so there's no help there either.. I keep praying that Rob will be a part of our life. Every day I'm hopeful, yet I don't ever let myself actually feel the hope, because he's already hurt me more than I can handle..

Feeling Uneasy

     One of my best friends told me that he admired me for being so strong. I've been through so much pain and heart ache since he's met me, and he thinks I'm this great person for surviving. I tried to explain I'm still so broken inside.

       Then another friend said she would have given up long ago if she had to go through what I am.

       I'm not going to go into details,  but they honestly don't know how much pain I'm constantly in. It's so sad. It's been over three months since he's left me, and my heart is still bleeding for me. I even tried to think I could be over him. How could I love someone who would do this to me? But that thinking doesn't work because I know exactly why I fell in love with him, and that's not something I can unfeel. Then I trusted him enough to have his baby. I'm having his baby. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't want to be in his sons life? How could this man who had his life centered around me and his child just leave us and not think of us? If he does want time with his son, how can I be around him and not die inside because of the life I lost with him? I'll be exstatic if he wants to see our son.. But distance hasn't worked any on my heart.

    I'm just suffering a lot today. I wish he would call and at least ask how his son is doing.. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong. My walls are crushed into tiny specks and there's nothing holding the pain inside. It's pouring through my body. I don't know what I'm doing. Nothing is making me truly happy and I miss that feeling. To smile and mean it. For it to light up my face and brighten my soul..

Glucose Test

      I had this about two weeks ago and just haven't posted about it. It was crappy.

      They told me I didn't need to fast, so I ate a two egg cheese omelet. I was feeling a little queasy, because since I have entered my third trimester, I've been throwing up every other day. I drove to the hospital.. They made me drink the 'lemonlime' drink. At first, I was like, oh! This isn't so bad! Very sweet. Then it actually stung my throat. And then... The aftertaste was awful. I went back out into the waiting room. After 30 minutes I was ravenous and felt like I hadn't ate in days! This wouldn't have been so bad but when I get hungry like that.. I also get nauseated. 45 minutes went by. I was ready to throw up the drink. Which is bad because then you have to drink it again and start over. 

      Thankfully, one of my friends who just found out she was pregnant was there to try and distract me. She kept telling me, you don't want to throw up in front of all these people do you? I told her I didn't care who I threw up in front of.. It needed to come out.

      Finally after 1 hour and 5 mins I got my blood taken and then raced to the bathroom to throw up.

       Good news is that I don't have gestational diabetes. I do have low blood sugar though.

You Know You're a Mom When..

     This is silly.. But my past few days off, I literally spend hours a day laying on my bed just watching my little guy kick me :) it's the best thing ever. I love you, baby!

Wow, My Baby is Active!

      Since 4am this morning.. Until 730am, when I took a nap.. My son has been moving like crazy! I woke up to pee and he's all like, hey mom! *kick, kick!*. When I roll over to the other side, I feel him rolling too.. Then he's like, sorry! Can't get rid of me! I didn't even feed him to make him move. He's wild all on his own :).  Everyone says he's probably running out of room! Already! I do have 11ish weeks left. 

       I'm still getting hit hard during this 3rd trimester. Morning sickness is coming back, I could sleep 16 hours a day and it wouldn't be enough.. My back is killing me, and I'm sometimes so hungry but can't eat because I'm so full. Ugh. 

        Happy belated Father's Day to my sons father. I didn't call you, knowing you would probably flip on me.. But all day I thought about you. I hope you thought of your son. <3

New Symptom of 6th Month

    The pregnancy Symptom of the month is definitely chafing of the thighs. Even when I was heavier, I have never had it this bad. My thighs aren't even that big, and they still rub! Tonight at work, after halfway through my shift.. I couldn't walk. It's that bad. I'm lying on my bed now. I just out gold bond on it. At first it burned, but now it's a stinging coldness.

     I've finally got quite an appetite, though I still can't eat much at one time. I'm afraid at my next appointment they're going to say, hey you gained 10 lbs! I think I feel that way more because my bump is finally showing. It's wonderful! And sad. Sad because I feel far but wonderful because I finally look pregnant :)

Non hormonal Post

      Sorry for all of the emo posts lately. I tell ya, my hormones are running me ragid. I'm a front end manager and dealing with customers is taking a toll on me right now. Actually, the worst part is dealing with my cashiers. Especially the new ones, whom I'm pretty sure hey believe their job is to keep pushing me until I snap them in half and fire them. 

     Sigh. I'm trying to get through this with my job still intact. I think I should just take a super long maternity leave. Pssssh, if I could afford it, I would be out of there right now.  Yesterday, it was so hot that I couldn't breathe. No air conditioning. Besides killing me, I think their trying to kill the customers.

     The good news is that I finally have a super cute bump! It's so exciting! Every day, it gets a bit bigger :). I actually have two small stretch marks! I know I shouldn't be excited, but I am. It means my baby and body are growing!

Why Do I Feel So Alone?

      Let me tell you why I feel So alone during this pregnancy. First off, obviously I feel alone and hurt because R left me and our baby. That's definitely an important part, but the next thing is.. Everyone keeps telling me to brush it off and move on. Okay, after one month apart from him, I should think. Screw you, I'm not hurt at all, Adrian doesn't need you. No. I'm sorry if you think I'm the kind of person who just lets things go so easily. I trusted him, gave him everything , and he left me. I'm not being all mopey about it so there's no reason to constantly tell  me to just move on. If some day, I say.. I miss him today. TheN Deal with what I'm saying or leave me alone. I can miss him if I want to. I spent a year and a half talking to him every day. I'm allowed to miss him.

     Also, please do not tell me how to live my life. Do not tell me to go on welfare to get away from my family. If I need welfare, I'll get it. I will only apply for housing if it's necessary but is rather not live in a trashy neighborhood filled with druggies. I'd rather try really hard to pay for what we need with my own money. 

     I'm trying to make my life work. Yes, I get kicked down a lot. Don't tell me how to make my life better. I'm trying. I'm going to figure out. Stop putting me down.

     No one seems to care how I feel right now.. Or care about what I think. It just goes back to how they think I should feel or now they think I should be thinking. Back off. You're causing me more pain. You're the one making me cry at night, not my ex. It's you because you can't even bother to listen to what I'm saying. 

      I wish Adrian and I could move away. I wish he didn't have to be brought into a world that's hurting me. I wish I could finally be happy..

L-O-L at My Pregnancy Brain

      Hilarious moment. My mom was going to jump in the shower and asked me to check on a cake she was making, in about 5 minutes. I waited about 5 mins, went out to the kitchen, opened the oven... And I flipped! I thought the cake was burnt! I was like, oh no! What's my mom going to do!? Did I wait longer than 5 mins!? She's going to have to make another one, she's going to be so upset! Then I realized it was a chocolate cake. Then I laughed so hard. I'm still laughing!

Funny Pregnancy Symptom

       There's plenty of strange pregnancy symptoms out there. One of them is that your aereolas change colors. I was accrust watching them to see when they would change. They slowly went from pink to a darker pink and when I looked today, hey were almost brown! I can't remember the reason for it, but I'll probably google it. It's quite intriguing, though I feel kind of unattractive because of it. 

        Another thing I've been feeling uncomfortable with is how fat I feel. I'm 26 weeks and have only gained 12 lbs.. But gosh, I feel fat! Everyone keeps telling me how small I am for 26 weeks, which should be encouraging.. But it's not. I took a picture from when I first found out I was pregnant and even bloated, I was still skinny-ish! Now I look at myself and feel disgusted.

      No, I am not depriving myself of food because of this. I have low self preservation, but my son definitely comes first. Always. 

      Sigh. I cannot wait to meet him. He's moving inside of me right now and all I want to do is hold him. 

This Morning is Hard

     Everyone keeps saying, oh you don't need a father for your child, you have so many friends and family that love and support you. No, you know what I need? My Rob back. That guy I fell in love with. The guy who I could call at any time and he would make me feel so much better about everything. The one who promised to tell me I was beautiful during my pregnancy, because no one else realizes I need to hear it. The one I wanted to go to all of my appointments with and to kiss my belly and talk to our baby. The same Rob who loved me more than anything else. You know, not just the father of my baby, but the love of my life. It just hurts so much this morning and I wish I could talk to him. 

      Everyone thinks I can just let him go, but my heart has been too full of love for him while we were dating. My days were absolutely filled with the thought of him. I can't just turn it off even if it would make everything easier. What's it getting me? Just nights of no sleep. Mornings where I wake up alone and miss his arms around me. Heart ache that is crippling. And when no one else seems to understand, it just sends me deeper into a depression. He understood everything. Then he crushed my heart into pieces. I don't even know where my heart is anymore. I feel like I'm just going through the motion of love and that's it.

      My baby is my life vest and I'm holding onto him, hoping he can keep me above the waves that continuously threaten to pull me under.

        There's so much chaos going on in my life. If it wasn't for my baby, I'd give up breathing.

Pregnancy Mood Swing Hell

     I went to make French fries and dippy eggs for breakfast. No, this is not a pregnancy thing. I've always eaten them. Anyway, I put the fries in the oven and when they were almost done I went to grab the eggs. I knew there were two left, so I thought, perfect! Well, not so perfect. They had both been smashed in on a side. There's nothing else for breakfast here that won't make me nauseated. My mom offered to go to the store and grab eggs.. But by the time she comes back, my fries will be cold and if I had to microwave them? They'd get soggy. Soggy fries and dippy eggs are disgusting. 

      I'm absolutely pissed and feel like crying.

       Oh, hormones.

My Shadows Aren't So Close

      Lately, I've been feeling like there's a shadow surrounding me. Every where I go, I just can't seem to put my heart into it. It's of course, because I'm fighting depression. The only time it seems to fade into the background is when my little Adrian is moving around. When he moves, I finally feel my heart fill up like it rarely does anymore. When I'm working, I have to take a moment to myself because I tried to talk, no words would come out. I'm laying on my bed now and he's moving. I can't believe he's real. It's extraordinary.

      Last night I got up and I felt like my side was lopsided. I ran my hand along my side and it was! He was curled against my side, making me feel very nonproportioned. My love, I'm not sure where I would be if you wouldn't have given me a child. Thankfully we had many months together of love because this child is definitely a love child. 

Eating Your Placenta!... What?

      I just finished reading an article on my baby App and it explained to me many things I did not know.. Apparently people eat their placentas. Eat. Them. Okay, if you're one of the people that eat them. Kudos to you! My stomach is turning just thinking about it. It said that some women take it home, cut off the outsides and cook it just like any other meat. They then add it to chili, spaghetti, and other foods. Sorry article, you lost me at placenta spaghetti. 

     After that, the article explained that most women have I dehydrated and put into capsule form. The vitamins and such apparently help with PPD and milk production. Only that isn't scientifically proven. There's actually a lot of women out there who get sick from it. 

         Placenta Spaghetti.  *shivers*

Seriously, Boobs?

I am 23 weeks and 6 days. I'm pretty sure in the last two days, my boos have gained at least two pounds a piece. As I think I've said previously, I started at a 38D and now wear a 40E.. Which is too small now and I need to go up another size. I'm barely only halfway through the pregnancy. Come on, boobs. Slow down.

I'm back to work after a week vacation and the worst part is that I don't get to feel my baby move so much now that I'm constantly moving. Boo.

Happy Mother's Day!

     To every mother out, whether you already have a child, you're expecting one, or you lost them, happy Mother's Day! A lot of people don't consider you to be a 'mom' until your baby is here. Every mom knows out there that you're a mom as soon as you have the feelings of one.. Which definitely starts out in pregnancy. To every mom that has lost a child, my heart is with you. I know today , you wish you had your child with you, but someday you'll meet them. I know everyone has probably told you that.. But I firmly believe it. It doesn't make it easier but it should bring a bit of brightness into your life, knowing someday you'll meet them. To everyone out there with a child, keep your head up! I know parenting gets hard.. And you feel like you're just effing up nonstop.. But as long as you love your child, you're doing a great job.

      To every pregnant mother, first time or not, you get to spend today in one of the best parts of motherhood. Your baby is an actual part of you, and that to me is an awesome gift. I know I'm going to spend a lot of my day talking to my baby, and just resting my hands on my stomach to feel him!

    To my mother, you may have screwed me over and because of that many bad things have happened.. But that doesn't change how much I love you. Through the hell that has been our life, you've loved all your children with all your heart. Because of you, I've learned to love with my whole heart and be compassionate. Those are the two things that when I meet people, they seem to instantly know. It's brought a lot of good and bad people into my life, but it's worth it. I love you, mom! I'm so happy to have you as a mother!

     To any child celebrating Mother's Day without your mother, my best advice would be to not dwell on that. Today is the day to celebrate how amazing your mom is/was. Remember the good things. Remember the positivity brought into your life because of her.. And let me tell you.. As a soon to be mom.. If I died, I'd want to spend the rest of eternity watching over you. I'm sure your moms feel the same way.

       To the man I wish still wanted to be with me, the you that I loved, would be showering me with Iove today. Even your anger won't make me forget what it was like to be with you. Every day is hard, but today is harder because I know you would have made my day perfect. I hope you're thinking about me.

Sore Ribs

All day, my ribs have been killing me. I checked the symptom online and it seems that this usually happens in the 3rd trimester, but can happen halfway through your 2nd. I'm halfway through the 2nd. It's super painful and I find myself stretching out my body constantly to try and get away from the discomfort. 

       This sleepiness seems to be hitting me again. I'm fine from 6am-2pm.. But then I need a hardcore nap. I just don't enjoy napping, or I really don't have time to.. So sadly, sleep doesn't come to me. It's probably a good thing though because yesterday I actually got a nap but couldn't fall back to sleep later in the night.

Felt My Baby's Foot

       Last night, I was laying on my side/back, reading. I felt a sharp jab low on my abdomen, so I moved my hand down to rub that spot.. And felt a little ball! As soon as I started rubbing it, it moved away. My baby had kicked me and I felt his foot! His little tiny foot! How awesome is that? I love to feel him move. Before I started feeling him move, I had a very protective feeling over him.. But I didn't actually love him. That sounds bad, but to explain it to you, I didn't feel like I was actually pregnant before he started moving. Now that he's moving, he's so much more real to me. I'm falling in love, every time he moves. Even when he's squishing my bladder.

         Speaking of my bladder, I'm pretty sure Adrian's favorite games are: squish mom's bladder and jab-kick her and make her dance. Seriously. He's just so cute already. He's so spunky :)

My Son and My Nephew

       I am so very close to my nephew. He's my world, and in my heart, I see him as my son. I'm not sure what it's like for other people who have nieces and nephews.. I only have the one, but he is seriously my sunshine. I've been there for him ever since he was born. My sister in law always got mad because people thought he was my child, since we look alike and he doesn't look anything like his mom and dad. We also act alike. 

        Anyway, I was kind of worried about how he would react to my little Adrian. Would be jealous? Would he be like a big brother? Of course I can't tell yet, because my son is still inside me.. But so far my nephew has been amazing. He always asks how Adrian is after kissing my belly. He talks to him sometimes. He came to my house and saw a pair of baby shoes on my bookcase and said, oh my gosh! Adrian's baby shoes are so small and cute! Then before leaving, he hugged me, kisses my belly.. And thanked me for making a baby. 

        Some days are hard for me to see a bright spot in the future.. But when I'm with my nephew, he brings that brightness back into view.

My Baby Bump in Question

      Four different people came up to me and told me how small I am to be 5 1/2 months. One of my managers even had the nerve to ask if I was really pregnant. What do I even say to that? Oh.. You think I've just been eating a bunch of twinkies and gained all the weight just in my belly? I'm 5 1/2 months and everyone around me is saying how small I am. Two weeks ago, I was so excited because I finally had, what I thought was a 'baby bump'. Apparently I'm the only one to see it. I'm even wearing maternity clothing so I can flaunt it.

      Before pregnancy, I fluctuated in weight between 205-212. I'm 5'10". I worked out a lot. I didn't have any bulk muscles, but they were all very firm. Especially my legs and abs. As a large framed person, I can't ever seem to drop below 200lbs. It's not a big deal, because I thought I looked great. 

     I haven't kept up with any workout during this pregnancy because I was so afraid of pushing too hard. When I go to the gym, it's what I'm used to doing. Pushing myself. I've still been exercising, just not anything with weights. So I had nice tight abs, a long torso, and what everyone has always called 'mother bearing hips'. They're not huge, you can just tell my hips were meant to hold a baby. So of course, I have a bunch of room for my baby to grow before I'm showing too much.

       Don't get me wrong, I would absolutely loooove to have those baby bumps that everyone else has! They're just so cute! I know I'll pop sometime in the next few months.. I just wish people wouldn't put me down because I'm not big enough in their eyes.

Feeling Nastalgia

     I'm halfway through my pregnancy and I'm already missing it. I just keep thinking, I know this pregnancy has been physically and emotionally draining, but I am going to miss my child moving around inside of me. I can feel him moving around right now, and it makes my heart lighter. I know, it'll be even better when he's here.. But I'm still going to miss this feeling. 

     On a darker note, I really wish that my full time job paid me a wage I can actually live on so I can get my own place. There's tons of options for a single mom, I'm just not sure what they are yet. I'm not comfortable living with my mother, stepfather. And little sister: they drive me insane and can sometimes feel overbearing. I know they love me, but right now I feel smothered. I need some advice. What do I do next?

This Momma Wants Left Alone

      I thrive when being surrounded by people. Of course, I also like my alone time.

      Since becoming pregnant, it's becoming more frequent that I want to be alone. I kind of wish I had my own place so I could do that. Sometimes I wish I wasn't working so I wouldn't have to be surrounded by so many people. I'm not sure if it's the hormones or because my depression is bad and I'm just trying to shove everyone away.

      Sadly, I care too much about everyone's feelings and I don't push them away, as much as my mind wants to. I'm also becoming very upset when people touch me. Usually, I am a very touchy-feely person, but lately it bothers me to have people touching me in any way. As I said before, it may be the pregnancy, or I may just not want anyone but Him to touch me in any personal way, so once again.. Depression or pregnancy?

      Some days I feel like our relationship was just a happy dream... Then I look at my belly.

Movement is Like a Balloon in My Belly

     Lately, I've been feeling all kinds of movement. Nothing too harsh, though sometimes he does jab me. It's mostly like a finger sliding along the inside of your stomach. I know that sounds incredibly weird, but it's also unbelieveable. It's a baby moving. It's crazy.

    I just took a shower and before I stepped in, it felt like my baby was a small balloon, set loose in my stomach. I love it.

Sex of My Baby

     Finally got an ultrasound where my baby cooperated! My baby is.... A boy!! Adrian Charles :).  At the beginning, the guy said, oh, he's head butting your bladder! I was like, yes... That explains why I just got a sudden urge to pee! I used to think people were crazy for thinking that their babies were cute already in the ultrasound.. But I have totally joined the ultrasound. 

     I didn't  tell the father today though.. My heart is still too bruised to attempt to talk to him again. I wanted so much for him to be there. Sigh. 

Heavy Breasts. My goodness.

      At the start of this pregnancy, my bra size was a 38D. Right now, I'm at a 40DDD. My breasts are soooo heavy. I hate going without a bra anymore because I can feel them pulling down and it's so uncomfortable. Especially for my back. I wonder if this means I'm going to produce lots of milk?

     I'm also hoping they don't get much bigger. I already have to buy bras online. Sigh. 

    I asked my mom whether hers grew this much, and she told me she only went up two sizes. One the first trimester and one the third.

     Another thing that comes with pregnancy is vivid dreams. I'm having dreams about my ex. I'm trying not to be upset but still miss him terribly. Especially after the dreams.

Baby Blogs

     I'm not the kind of person to sit around and read the 'what to expect when you're expecting'. Instead, I find myself reading expectant mother blogs. Since reading them, I've been able to give my friends advice who are farther along than me and aren't sure what's happening or is going to happen. Thank you, mommy blogs! It's nice to have a moms view who is/has gone through this whole thing.

      I also just read a lady's blog about how she has three kids and one was up sick all night. That means she was up all night. She woke up her other two and then accidentally fell back asleep. Her 4 and 6 year old daughters dressed themselves (after checking their moms phone to see that rain is on their way) and caught the bus out front when they knew it was time, leaving their mom to sleep. They knew she had been up all night with the youngest. 

     I hope to have children who love me like this and grow up to take care of themselves. I am so lucky to be having this baby. I'm this baby's world already. I'm hoping, if I end up doing this alone, that I'll be able to be the mother my child needs.

Baby Carrier In the Morning

    When I wake up in the morning, usually I look pretty awesome with my hair sticking up in every which way. Now that I'm pregnant, I look even worst. Every last piece of my hair is sticking on edge and I look like I have a massive hangover from how exhausted my eyes look. I really wish I had someone to tell me I look beautiful in the morning, because I may actually believe them if they have the nerve to say it. Later in the day, you don't see my awfulness, so you can't tell me I'm beautiful and truly mean it.

       Yes, I just woke up. Don't mind the hormones.

Baby Bump Picture

5 weeks compared to 19 weeks (blue shirt) you can see the difference.. Especially in my exhausted face :) 

Joining Single Mom Club

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been going through such an emotional swirl of events, that I haven't even thought of posting. I don't want to bore you with too much detail... Apparently I'll be a single mother. I know, it can be done. It just crushed my dream of a family. Being pregnant did not help me cope either. The emotions were awful and I was sobbing for almost a week straight with barely any pause. Thank you, hormones.

     So, in 11 days I'm going back for an anatomy scan because with the first one, my baby didn't want to turn around! I've also felt a lot of movement lately. I love it and can't wait for the full force! My morning sickness is fading away. I've only thrown up twice in the past two weeks. Go me! I think I'm gaining a bit of weight too. I'm still selfconscience about it.. But while wearing maternity clothes, I think I look awesome :)

Change Of Due Date

     Today, if my first due date given to me was correct, I would be 18 weeks 2 days. The doctor told me I would be able to find out the sex today! Yes, I'm one of the moms who cannot wait til birth to find out. 

     I went in today and I saw my baby! His/her heart beat is 159 and the doctor said he/she was really active BUT my due date is off and it's too soon to know the sex.. AND my baby was turned towards my back so we couldn't see any way. 

      My next ultrasound is April 21st... Then I shall know. The one thing I did find out is that even though my mom kept saying it, I am not havin twins. I would've loved twins though!

Mood swings from H*ll

Fo your information, they were not lying about the mood swings that occur while pregnant. I am a very patient, thoughtful, kind person. My gosh.  Right now? I have no patience. I snap on people a lot. I am thoughtful but sometimes it makes me mad to be so. Then I feel bad about feelin that way and get all sad. Yes, hormones are wonderful.

    It IS funny. When you're not on the receiving end. I laugh afterwards, sometimes. Some people think it's nice to see me be so forward. I'd rather be laid back and kind, but for now I'm trying to find an okay balance.

      I know I said my nausea went away, but apparently I lied. I did not mean to lie. I was hoping not to be lying....

    But it came back. Thankfully, I can go a day or two without growing up! This is great!

      I also have a bit more energy than before.

    I think I felt my baby move! :)

The Heartbeat

     I had an appointment for yesterday to hear my babies heartbeat! I had to cancel because the roads were so icy. So say I was disappointmented, would be an understatement. I rescheduled for Monday. It's not coming soon enough! If you are a mom, or soon to be mom, you may understand how it feels to not have seen or heard anything yet. It feels like you're not really pregnant, even with all the symptoms. Sigh. I don't think you ever feel like you're pregnant until you give birth!

My Baby Bump

Once I hit the 13 weeks mark, my stomach popped! This is way exciting! I was wondering when it would happen. I keep rubbing my belly and showing it off to the select people that I've actually told. Okay, the down side is that none of my clothes for. Not even my shirts. I really do need to go shopping but I can't find maternity clothes anywhere! I don't want to go up any clothing sizes. Also, regular pants just don't feel comfortable. They push on my uterus. Definitely not comfy.

Second Trimester

     It has been a while since I've posted anything. I've been so busy working, throwing up, and sleeping. All the time. This past week, I thought my nausea was gone. I also thought my exhaustion was disappearing! I hadn't thrown up for five days and yesterday I threw up every meal. My energy is slowly coming back though! Some days are sleepier than others.

      Not going to lie. I called to get medicine for my nausea. I couldn't keep anything down and working in the place where I do, I just wasn't okay for me to be running away to throw up or pacing around because I'm exhausted from the nausea. Then I had to work. The next day there was a snow storm. The next day, I was sick. Then I wasn't throwing up anymore! I was like, score! Now I don't need it! I haven't taken it. I'm hoping my nausea stays away.

Almost 14 weeks into this!

Major Work Out... Or Not

     Today, my body feels like I did a major workout. My hips hurt; my pecs hurt; my abs hurt. Well, I guess I kind of did a work out if that includes growing a baby. It's hard to move. I'm also super moody today. 

       I'm very  lucky to have a little sister who is running to subway to grab me a sub. What would I do without the lovely people in my life? 

      I don't even want to eat. I just wan. To sleep and not wake up for a week. Is it vacation yet?

Body Building

    I read an article that told me, while laying down I'm burning more energy than my boyfriend would be body building. So when you put it that way, it's easy to imagine how exhausted I feel. Yesterday, I could hardly get out of bed. Today, I'm feeling a little bit more awake. For now. 

       I've been taking a picture every two weeks... Just so I could compare and see if I really have a baby bump yet! This morning, I do! I'm not super skinny so it's not easy for it to be noticeable. I'm so excited. Even though I have all these symptoms, it's hard to believe I'm pregnant when there's nothing showing. Now I'm getting all.. Oh my gosh a baby is in there! My baby! I'm growing a baby!

Puking. Oh My.

    Lately, I've been very nauseated. I just haven't puked until three days ago. I'm pretty sure it was because I let my stomach get empty. I ran for the bathroom at the Sheetz gas station and puked. A lot. It isn't as bad as the stomach flu. Right after that, I felt great! Even though I really needed gum! Ew. 

    Since then, I haven't actually thrown up.. Which is super because I've been working a lot and I work at a place where puking is hard to hide. I haven't spread the news of my expectancy yet and I'd rather everyone not find out from me puking.

Spotting: Super Scary

    Two days ago, I had my first spotting incident. I flipped. I was like, oh my! Oh no! What does that even mean!?!

     Thank goodness for Google!! I sent my question straight to the Google search bar. At first,  my fears were not put to rest. Honestly, it scared me even more! Then I found a website that calmed me. It told me about what kind of blood comes from a miscarriage, and how it's actually pretty painful. It also told me that after 6-8 weeks of being pregnant, your chance of a miscarriage is 3%. The only blood I had was a little when I wiped. There was also no pain.

    I also had another fearful moment when I wasn't nauseated. I was like, oh no! I'm losing pregnancy symptoms! But have no fear, the nausea came back. 

Baby Weight

    Yes, I know weight gain is a part of being pregnant. For some people, it's a perfect excuse to put on a few pounds. For others who are more sensitive about their weight, well it's a perfect excuse to cry, which is exactly what being pregnant does to me. Makes me cry randomly for no reason... Or for some silly reason. I'm not a crying type of person. 

    Sorry, my pregnant mind has me jumping around. What was I talking about? *scrolls back up*

     Right! Weight gain! I spent the past two, almost three years, working off my weight. I had always been heavier set, not because I wasn't active but beside when I was younger I took steroids twice. They ballooned me out and that weight was impossible for me to get rid of. Then I really changed my lifestyle and started eating wheat instead of white, water instead of nasty soda.. And I lost 45 lbs. that doesn't seem like a lot, but I also gained a lot of muscle. Not overly bulky, but nicely toned. I'm very proud of where I'm at... Which leads to now. My body is all bloated. Mostly my stomach. I can promise you that I am not stepping on a scale any time soon. I'm eating about 6 small meals a day. It's not a lot of food but eating more often makes me feel fat! I know, I know. I am lame. It does happen.

     I told, well let's call my love: R. I told R that I'm really upset about the weight gaining part. He said being pregnant is the most beautiful way to gain weight. This has helped a lot. At least, when I look like a house, he'll still love me. The only person I want to look good for is him, anyway.

Early Morning Snack

     I woke up, just now, starving. It's around 7am, which is later than what is usually is when I wake up feeling like I haven't eaten in weeks! Usually I wake up around 3:30am-5am. I'm really sensitive to my sugar, so when I wake up it feels really low. I'm not sure whether to run for the bathroom because of the nausea, or run to the kitchen before my sugar bombs. 

     The first few times, I ignored it! I know, that's silly. My body is telling me what it needs. It's just so inconvenient to have to  eat a meal that early. My body is so tired. I'm so tired... And to have to get up and put something together? Terrible. 

     I definitely learned my lesson which is why I'm up right now, eating a weird assortment. With this sensitive stomach thing, it's hard to figure out what I can eat. So what do you do? Well, I just look in the fridge and pick out any food that in my head, I can't see making me sick. This is what I got!

First Days of Knowing

     I'm not going to lie. I went into this pregnancy thing not really knowing what to expect. Yes, I knew there would be exhaustion. Yes, I knew there'd be nausea, massive hunger, sensitive breasts, body aches, slight loss of my mind. Well, honestly... It's crazier than what I thought it'd be. I am so sick and I really can't eat anything.. Which sucks because a few days ago I could eat everything. I was slightly nauseated but I wasn't dry heaving.. Now I am. Eek. I hate puking. Work is hard. The past few days, I've barely been able to get out of bed to go to work. Being nauseous and hungry at work is so inconvenient too. Also, peeing all the time is inconvenient.
      The best part of all this? I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. This is changing my life and I cannot wait. People are being super happy about it and my love did not suffer a stroke when I told him. He's being really great and making me even happier about it. He accepts me. He accepts our baby. That's all I need.

The Big Test Day

      Okay, I woke up; took a test....
      Obviously it said positive. I looked at it, expecting a negative. It literally took me a minute to remember what. Positive sign meant! Yes, I know. That's silly. I was shaking, my heart was beating out of my chest. I took a picture of it because I knew later I wouldn't actually believe it.
    I slowly sat down on my bed, laid down, and texted my love saying, it's an emergency call me as soon as you can! Five mins later, he calls me. It pretty much came out like, you know how we had sex? Well, I'm late on my period so I took a test.. And...
    He said, was it positive? I said, uh huh. That was pretty much my answer to anything else he said. I was in shock allllll day! I got vitamins and set up an appointment because I still didn't believe it. One of those, no-way moments.

Day Before Knowing

    I'm making a blog to share my baby-life with you! I am a first time mom and have no idea what to expect. So let me begin my story:
     I am 24 years old, in a relationship with a man I'm so very much in love with, and this is an unplanned pregnancy. Just because it wasn't planned, doesn't make me any less excited. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping one of these times I would really be pregnant!
   The topic of this post is tell you about the day before I found out I was pregnant. I was feeling sick and I uncharacteristically tired while working an 8am-10pm. I was also peeing often and eating a lot! Sometimes I get like that before my period. I got home, was slightly nauseated but blamed it on my lack of sleep.
    The next morning I woke up and thought, well I might as well take a test, even though I know it'll be negative. Sure, I was late on my period. Then again, I'm almost always late.