Why Do I Feel So Alone?

      Let me tell you why I feel So alone during this pregnancy. First off, obviously I feel alone and hurt because R left me and our baby. That's definitely an important part, but the next thing is.. Everyone keeps telling me to brush it off and move on. Okay, after one month apart from him, I should think. Screw you, I'm not hurt at all, Adrian doesn't need you. No. I'm sorry if you think I'm the kind of person who just lets things go so easily. I trusted him, gave him everything , and he left me. I'm not being all mopey about it so there's no reason to constantly tell  me to just move on. If some day, I say.. I miss him today. TheN Deal with what I'm saying or leave me alone. I can miss him if I want to. I spent a year and a half talking to him every day. I'm allowed to miss him.

     Also, please do not tell me how to live my life. Do not tell me to go on welfare to get away from my family. If I need welfare, I'll get it. I will only apply for housing if it's necessary but is rather not live in a trashy neighborhood filled with druggies. I'd rather try really hard to pay for what we need with my own money. 

     I'm trying to make my life work. Yes, I get kicked down a lot. Don't tell me how to make my life better. I'm trying. I'm going to figure out. Stop putting me down.

     No one seems to care how I feel right now.. Or care about what I think. It just goes back to how they think I should feel or now they think I should be thinking. Back off. You're causing me more pain. You're the one making me cry at night, not my ex. It's you because you can't even bother to listen to what I'm saying. 

      I wish Adrian and I could move away. I wish he didn't have to be brought into a world that's hurting me. I wish I could finally be happy..

L-O-L at My Pregnancy Brain

      Hilarious moment. My mom was going to jump in the shower and asked me to check on a cake she was making, in about 5 minutes. I waited about 5 mins, went out to the kitchen, opened the oven... And I flipped! I thought the cake was burnt! I was like, oh no! What's my mom going to do!? Did I wait longer than 5 mins!? She's going to have to make another one, she's going to be so upset! Then I realized it was a chocolate cake. Then I laughed so hard. I'm still laughing!

Funny Pregnancy Symptom

       There's plenty of strange pregnancy symptoms out there. One of them is that your aereolas change colors. I was accrust watching them to see when they would change. They slowly went from pink to a darker pink and when I looked today, hey were almost brown! I can't remember the reason for it, but I'll probably google it. It's quite intriguing, though I feel kind of unattractive because of it. 

        Another thing I've been feeling uncomfortable with is how fat I feel. I'm 26 weeks and have only gained 12 lbs.. But gosh, I feel fat! Everyone keeps telling me how small I am for 26 weeks, which should be encouraging.. But it's not. I took a picture from when I first found out I was pregnant and even bloated, I was still skinny-ish! Now I look at myself and feel disgusted.

      No, I am not depriving myself of food because of this. I have low self preservation, but my son definitely comes first. Always. 

      Sigh. I cannot wait to meet him. He's moving inside of me right now and all I want to do is hold him. 

This Morning is Hard

     Everyone keeps saying, oh you don't need a father for your child, you have so many friends and family that love and support you. No, you know what I need? My Rob back. That guy I fell in love with. The guy who I could call at any time and he would make me feel so much better about everything. The one who promised to tell me I was beautiful during my pregnancy, because no one else realizes I need to hear it. The one I wanted to go to all of my appointments with and to kiss my belly and talk to our baby. The same Rob who loved me more than anything else. You know, not just the father of my baby, but the love of my life. It just hurts so much this morning and I wish I could talk to him. 

      Everyone thinks I can just let him go, but my heart has been too full of love for him while we were dating. My days were absolutely filled with the thought of him. I can't just turn it off even if it would make everything easier. What's it getting me? Just nights of no sleep. Mornings where I wake up alone and miss his arms around me. Heart ache that is crippling. And when no one else seems to understand, it just sends me deeper into a depression. He understood everything. Then he crushed my heart into pieces. I don't even know where my heart is anymore. I feel like I'm just going through the motion of love and that's it.

      My baby is my life vest and I'm holding onto him, hoping he can keep me above the waves that continuously threaten to pull me under.

        There's so much chaos going on in my life. If it wasn't for my baby, I'd give up breathing.

Pregnancy Mood Swing Hell

     I went to make French fries and dippy eggs for breakfast. No, this is not a pregnancy thing. I've always eaten them. Anyway, I put the fries in the oven and when they were almost done I went to grab the eggs. I knew there were two left, so I thought, perfect! Well, not so perfect. They had both been smashed in on a side. There's nothing else for breakfast here that won't make me nauseated. My mom offered to go to the store and grab eggs.. But by the time she comes back, my fries will be cold and if I had to microwave them? They'd get soggy. Soggy fries and dippy eggs are disgusting. 

      I'm absolutely pissed and feel like crying.

       Oh, hormones.

My Shadows Aren't So Close

      Lately, I've been feeling like there's a shadow surrounding me. Every where I go, I just can't seem to put my heart into it. It's of course, because I'm fighting depression. The only time it seems to fade into the background is when my little Adrian is moving around. When he moves, I finally feel my heart fill up like it rarely does anymore. When I'm working, I have to take a moment to myself because I tried to talk, no words would come out. I'm laying on my bed now and he's moving. I can't believe he's real. It's extraordinary.

      Last night I got up and I felt like my side was lopsided. I ran my hand along my side and it was! He was curled against my side, making me feel very nonproportioned. My love, I'm not sure where I would be if you wouldn't have given me a child. Thankfully we had many months together of love because this child is definitely a love child. 

Eating Your Placenta!... What?

      I just finished reading an article on my baby App and it explained to me many things I did not know.. Apparently people eat their placentas. Eat. Them. Okay, if you're one of the people that eat them. Kudos to you! My stomach is turning just thinking about it. It said that some women take it home, cut off the outsides and cook it just like any other meat. They then add it to chili, spaghetti, and other foods. Sorry article, you lost me at placenta spaghetti. 

     After that, the article explained that most women have I dehydrated and put into capsule form. The vitamins and such apparently help with PPD and milk production. Only that isn't scientifically proven. There's actually a lot of women out there who get sick from it. 

         Placenta Spaghetti.  *shivers*

Seriously, Boobs?

I am 23 weeks and 6 days. I'm pretty sure in the last two days, my boos have gained at least two pounds a piece. As I think I've said previously, I started at a 38D and now wear a 40E.. Which is too small now and I need to go up another size. I'm barely only halfway through the pregnancy. Come on, boobs. Slow down.

I'm back to work after a week vacation and the worst part is that I don't get to feel my baby move so much now that I'm constantly moving. Boo.

Happy Mother's Day!

     To every mother out, whether you already have a child, you're expecting one, or you lost them, happy Mother's Day! A lot of people don't consider you to be a 'mom' until your baby is here. Every mom knows out there that you're a mom as soon as you have the feelings of one.. Which definitely starts out in pregnancy. To every mom that has lost a child, my heart is with you. I know today , you wish you had your child with you, but someday you'll meet them. I know everyone has probably told you that.. But I firmly believe it. It doesn't make it easier but it should bring a bit of brightness into your life, knowing someday you'll meet them. To everyone out there with a child, keep your head up! I know parenting gets hard.. And you feel like you're just effing up nonstop.. But as long as you love your child, you're doing a great job.

      To every pregnant mother, first time or not, you get to spend today in one of the best parts of motherhood. Your baby is an actual part of you, and that to me is an awesome gift. I know I'm going to spend a lot of my day talking to my baby, and just resting my hands on my stomach to feel him!

    To my mother, you may have screwed me over and because of that many bad things have happened.. But that doesn't change how much I love you. Through the hell that has been our life, you've loved all your children with all your heart. Because of you, I've learned to love with my whole heart and be compassionate. Those are the two things that when I meet people, they seem to instantly know. It's brought a lot of good and bad people into my life, but it's worth it. I love you, mom! I'm so happy to have you as a mother!

     To any child celebrating Mother's Day without your mother, my best advice would be to not dwell on that. Today is the day to celebrate how amazing your mom is/was. Remember the good things. Remember the positivity brought into your life because of her.. And let me tell you.. As a soon to be mom.. If I died, I'd want to spend the rest of eternity watching over you. I'm sure your moms feel the same way.

       To the man I wish still wanted to be with me, the you that I loved, would be showering me with Iove today. Even your anger won't make me forget what it was like to be with you. Every day is hard, but today is harder because I know you would have made my day perfect. I hope you're thinking about me.

Sore Ribs

All day, my ribs have been killing me. I checked the symptom online and it seems that this usually happens in the 3rd trimester, but can happen halfway through your 2nd. I'm halfway through the 2nd. It's super painful and I find myself stretching out my body constantly to try and get away from the discomfort. 

       This sleepiness seems to be hitting me again. I'm fine from 6am-2pm.. But then I need a hardcore nap. I just don't enjoy napping, or I really don't have time to.. So sadly, sleep doesn't come to me. It's probably a good thing though because yesterday I actually got a nap but couldn't fall back to sleep later in the night.

Felt My Baby's Foot

       Last night, I was laying on my side/back, reading. I felt a sharp jab low on my abdomen, so I moved my hand down to rub that spot.. And felt a little ball! As soon as I started rubbing it, it moved away. My baby had kicked me and I felt his foot! His little tiny foot! How awesome is that? I love to feel him move. Before I started feeling him move, I had a very protective feeling over him.. But I didn't actually love him. That sounds bad, but to explain it to you, I didn't feel like I was actually pregnant before he started moving. Now that he's moving, he's so much more real to me. I'm falling in love, every time he moves. Even when he's squishing my bladder.

         Speaking of my bladder, I'm pretty sure Adrian's favorite games are: squish mom's bladder and jab-kick her and make her dance. Seriously. He's just so cute already. He's so spunky :)

My Son and My Nephew

       I am so very close to my nephew. He's my world, and in my heart, I see him as my son. I'm not sure what it's like for other people who have nieces and nephews.. I only have the one, but he is seriously my sunshine. I've been there for him ever since he was born. My sister in law always got mad because people thought he was my child, since we look alike and he doesn't look anything like his mom and dad. We also act alike. 

        Anyway, I was kind of worried about how he would react to my little Adrian. Would be jealous? Would he be like a big brother? Of course I can't tell yet, because my son is still inside me.. But so far my nephew has been amazing. He always asks how Adrian is after kissing my belly. He talks to him sometimes. He came to my house and saw a pair of baby shoes on my bookcase and said, oh my gosh! Adrian's baby shoes are so small and cute! Then before leaving, he hugged me, kisses my belly.. And thanked me for making a baby. 

        Some days are hard for me to see a bright spot in the future.. But when I'm with my nephew, he brings that brightness back into view.

My Baby Bump in Question

      Four different people came up to me and told me how small I am to be 5 1/2 months. One of my managers even had the nerve to ask if I was really pregnant. What do I even say to that? Oh.. You think I've just been eating a bunch of twinkies and gained all the weight just in my belly? I'm 5 1/2 months and everyone around me is saying how small I am. Two weeks ago, I was so excited because I finally had, what I thought was a 'baby bump'. Apparently I'm the only one to see it. I'm even wearing maternity clothing so I can flaunt it.

      Before pregnancy, I fluctuated in weight between 205-212. I'm 5'10". I worked out a lot. I didn't have any bulk muscles, but they were all very firm. Especially my legs and abs. As a large framed person, I can't ever seem to drop below 200lbs. It's not a big deal, because I thought I looked great. 

     I haven't kept up with any workout during this pregnancy because I was so afraid of pushing too hard. When I go to the gym, it's what I'm used to doing. Pushing myself. I've still been exercising, just not anything with weights. So I had nice tight abs, a long torso, and what everyone has always called 'mother bearing hips'. They're not huge, you can just tell my hips were meant to hold a baby. So of course, I have a bunch of room for my baby to grow before I'm showing too much.

       Don't get me wrong, I would absolutely loooove to have those baby bumps that everyone else has! They're just so cute! I know I'll pop sometime in the next few months.. I just wish people wouldn't put me down because I'm not big enough in their eyes.