Today is my 'due date'!

      It's here! September 3rd, 2014! My due date! Sadly, he's not here yet! Haha. The past two days, my hips have been killing me, I've been having random contractions, harder time sleeping, acne, lots of bowel movements, and everything I eat leaves a metallic taste in my mouth. Does that mean labor is coming soon!? I hope so. I'm hoping it comes and I can find some happiness that I've been lacking. 

39 weeks today

     One more week until my due date. I'm just so worried about my baby in there, especially after the accident, that I'm incredibly anxious to have him out of me. Ive been having Braxton hicks and some pressure in my hips. I'm trying the fresh pineapple induction trick! I'll keep you posted!

Car Accident

     This is going to be a short post, because I would rather not relive the accident anymore than I already have in my head. A lady pulled out in front of me so fast I didn't have time to hit my breaks. I hit her, she spun 4 lanes over, and I then slammed Into a pole. They tried to get me out of the car but I refused until they brought someone who could check on my baby. They kept asking me if he was moving and I was thinking, 'he's probably in shock, why would he be moving?' The ambulance got there, they found his heart beat which was nice and strong, but I still wasn't reassured. I was taken to the ER where they thought my passenger was the pregnant one, which made her super mad, and she got In before me because of that. After my mom yelling at everyone there, they finally released me up to labor and delivery. They monitored him and gave me an ultrasound. He's okay, but I've been worrying like hell the last few days. What If he ends up not being okay? I didn't call his father. I wanted to so bad.. I just couldn't stand the pain it would cause me if he didn't care about me or our baby. I did have my sister In law call his mom though because I needed her support.

      A lot of people came to the hospital. It was nice, but I was so stressed and worried that I wanted to fall apart, alone. I ended up with some bad bruises where my seatbelt dug I to me, on my collarbone and the bottom of my stomach, and my passenger had some bruised ribs. For being in a car that is smashed to bits and absolutely totaled? We're all lucky to be alive.

38 Week Appointment

      My appointment had to be rescheduled from Tuesday to Thursday. I was so disappointmented! I felt deprived. I love hearing my baby's heart beat. So I had it today and went over my list of ailments. My morning sickness is back, my right hand doesn't like to move, especially In the morning, and sometimes when I eat, my tongue has been going numb. I also told him about my awful swelling. Everything is normal except he has no idea why my tongue is going numb. That's reassuring, right?

      So the doctor had me pull up my shirt to check his heart beat. He found it right away but my son had other plans. I started hearing a popping noise on his machine and saw the doctor roll his eyes. My kid was moving around and punching the Doppler :) I laughed so hard! It was so cute and he kept doing it. The doctor also commented on how firm my belly is. It's been firm for more than half of my pregnancy but now it's crazy hard. I think it's because My boy is taking up so much room in there! When I laid down, I felt him pushing up on my belly for more room :)

Breast Feeding

      I want to breastfeed. It's apparently the best way to feed your baby. Your milk has all the vitamins your baby needs and it's free! It's also a huge bonding time for you and your baby.  

     For the last month, my mom has been questioning me doing it. My friend was over the other week, breastfeeding, and my mom was like, see Leanne, it's a full Time job! Being your baby's food. Are you sure you want to do it?

      I was confused as to why she was acting like that until today when she asked me once again if i was sure it was what I wanted to do. I, of course, told her yes. Her reply was, how are we suppose to feed the baby  and let you sleep!? I was like, ahh. Don't worry. After the first week or so, I'll pump. She wants me to pump from the get-go so they can all share in. I understand that but I really want to do the whole breastfeeding thing while I can. 

37 weeks!

     Today marks the day where I am 37 weeks pregnant! That means, my little baby could come any day! I'm so nervous for the day! And it's not even because of the pain. I know, I'm starting to sound like a broken record but I wonder if his father will be there? Sigh. It's so scary to think I'll be doing this alone if not. But I'll finally have my little guy out and I won't have to worry about him being okay in there! I've been doing 'kick counts' a few times a day and he always does the amount within a minute instead of the hour they give you.. But I'm so afraid of losing him. If I lose him, I really won't have any attachment to this world. I've been silently battling depression since Rob left me, and sadly, my son is the only thing that has kept me from ending myself. It's not like I don't have support, because I do. And I have my hunter to live for.. It hurts to think to leave him.. But at the beginning all those feelings were blotted out with pain. I saw no light. Then Adrian started moving inside of me more often, and it kept me sane. My happiness is still a slight echo of what I had before.. But I know if I keep breathing, we'll find happiness someday. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

       So on a happy note, I've put in my notice for work! Told them I wanted my last day to be August 22nd. I just can't work right now. I'm so swollen and my left hand gets so bad that I feel a horrible pain in it when I try to use it for anything. I also lose feeling in both of my hands. Sigh. The stupid people at work are on my last nerve and it's taking everything in me not to just leave now. The only reason I'm working so close to my due date is because I definitely need the money. If I didn't need it, I would've stopped a month ago. 

       I haven't packed my hospital bag yet! I should probably so that soon :X I also haven't gotten a stroller/car seat yet. I'm hoping I get around to that soon so I don't have to send my mom out while I'm in labor. That would be quite a fail.

      My sister in law bought me a diaper bag too! But I haven't filled it yet. It's so hard to do because I still feel like I'm not having a baby. He moves nonstop but here I am like, oh, I'm just going to be pregnant for forever!

Baby Shower!

     I had my baby shower yesterday! It was awesome! The no. Awesome part was learning how much money went into it. Almost a thousand dollars. Holy geez. In my defense, I had absolutely no say in it and left it up to my sister in law! Haha. It was immaculate. Book themed everything! Including food! We had so much food and surprisingly very little leftovers. Almost 40 people showed up and I'm so thankful for them! The one thing I would have changed is being able to teleport all the people who couldn't make it!

      My brother was super disappointed though. Apparently when you throw a huge baby shower, the gifts will usually even out. He was disappointed because I barely got 200 dollars worth of stuff. I told him even though I didn't get much in gifts, I'm happy that so many important people came to celebrate with me. He still feels bad because he feels he could have used the money to buy me everything I needed for the baby since I still have quite a bit I need.

     I was so tired that I slept for 11 hours when I got home!

Last night's Insomnia

     Pregnancy insomnia is kicking my butt again, darn it. Last night, I was just lying on my bed and my little guy gets hiccups. Guess where his head is? Right down in my pelvis area. My vajay felt like it was pulsing. Too funny!

      My dreams are getting so sad lately. I also feel more heart broken than I have in a while. I don't even know what to do. I just want to cry and cry. 

      On the plus side, I just had my 36 week check up and I haven't gained any weight in the past two weeks and I'm only up 23 lbs. My son is also still super active. He's also finding his comfy spot up in my ribs. He's going to be so sad when he drops out of there!

Venting

      Some lady at work had the nerve to tell me that because my belly isn't huge, I had no reason to be in pain. What the heck? Oh, you're right. Because I didn't gain a bunch of weight and I carry small, my feet shouldn't swell or anything. I didn't even complain to her about pain. I was just waddling due to my legs/ feet being swollen and painful. 

     On a happy note, my little man has been moving nonstop the past two days.

    On a sad note, I just dreamt about his father and now my heart is aching.

Pregnancy Milestone

     I've finally reached a pregnancy milestone that I've been looking forward too! I'm 35 weeks and 2 days.. And I've finally come to the point where I can't see my feet when I stare straight down! I know. You probably think I'm strange.. But I'm so excited to finally be noticeably pregnant and not having everyone think I'm fat!

   Though I'm still feeling depressed, I'm throwing myself into helping my sister in law get things around for my baby shower. I've also just finished an 8 day stretch at work so the exhaustion helped keep my tears away. I've also been reading any extra moment I have .

     It's so strange to think that I'm really growing a baby!

Sigh. Still Not Okay.

       I love that my baby has been so active. I'm happy that this one thing in life is going well. 

       Everything else is bringing me pain. I dreamt last night that I was about to commit suicide, and I was okay with it. I was ready. I don't want to be that weak person and leave my baby. I think work gave me another anxiety attack as well. My heart wouldn't stop racing for an hour. I even called the doctor and went to get it checked out.

     I just don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard to feel any kind of normal emotion because pregnancy throws them all out of whack. I pray ever day that some day I'll be happy. Some day soon.

Orange Juice Boost

    My son wasn't moving as much as I'd like him to. (Paranoid) so I drank a glass of iced cold orange juice! Hehe. He's moving like crazy. 

      I had a weird thing happen today. I had just gotten into work and my heart started beating insanely. I sat down and relaxed and it still wouldn't go away. It lasted an hour so I finally called the doctor. They had me to straight in to see if they could  find out what's up. They said they'd call but they haven't. The funny part was, the lady realized my heart rate went up when I talked so she asked about Kmart and it absolutely skyrocketed. Sigh. Too bad I can't afford to not be working.

He's a Keeper

     I just are a bowl of strawberry shredded wheat cereal. 10 minutes after, My son started moving like crazy inside of me! He obviously loved it! Then after a few moments he slowed down because he got hiccups. He is so freaking cute. Definitely a keeper. I'm excited that he's overly exciteable like his mom ;)

      He's going to be here within 8 weeks! <3

Only 8 more weeks!

      There's only 8 more weeks until my due date! Today, I was excited all day long. My pregnant friend who is 3 weeks behind me, was telling me how nervous she is because she doesn't have and motherly tendency. I was born with the capacity to love very one like crazy.. And to care. A lot. So I'm not worried about being a mom. My worries are more centered around, I don't know how to be a dad and a mom. No one around me has been through this, so there's no help there either.. I keep praying that Rob will be a part of our life. Every day I'm hopeful, yet I don't ever let myself actually feel the hope, because he's already hurt me more than I can handle..

Feeling Uneasy

     One of my best friends told me that he admired me for being so strong. I've been through so much pain and heart ache since he's met me, and he thinks I'm this great person for surviving. I tried to explain I'm still so broken inside.

       Then another friend said she would have given up long ago if she had to go through what I am.

       I'm not going to go into details,  but they honestly don't know how much pain I'm constantly in. It's so sad. It's been over three months since he's left me, and my heart is still bleeding for me. I even tried to think I could be over him. How could I love someone who would do this to me? But that thinking doesn't work because I know exactly why I fell in love with him, and that's not something I can unfeel. Then I trusted him enough to have his baby. I'm having his baby. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't want to be in his sons life? How could this man who had his life centered around me and his child just leave us and not think of us? If he does want time with his son, how can I be around him and not die inside because of the life I lost with him? I'll be exstatic if he wants to see our son.. But distance hasn't worked any on my heart.

    I'm just suffering a lot today. I wish he would call and at least ask how his son is doing.. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong. My walls are crushed into tiny specks and there's nothing holding the pain inside. It's pouring through my body. I don't know what I'm doing. Nothing is making me truly happy and I miss that feeling. To smile and mean it. For it to light up my face and brighten my soul..

Glucose Test

      I had this about two weeks ago and just haven't posted about it. It was crappy.

      They told me I didn't need to fast, so I ate a two egg cheese omelet. I was feeling a little queasy, because since I have entered my third trimester, I've been throwing up every other day. I drove to the hospital.. They made me drink the 'lemonlime' drink. At first, I was like, oh! This isn't so bad! Very sweet. Then it actually stung my throat. And then... The aftertaste was awful. I went back out into the waiting room. After 30 minutes I was ravenous and felt like I hadn't ate in days! This wouldn't have been so bad but when I get hungry like that.. I also get nauseated. 45 minutes went by. I was ready to throw up the drink. Which is bad because then you have to drink it again and start over. 

      Thankfully, one of my friends who just found out she was pregnant was there to try and distract me. She kept telling me, you don't want to throw up in front of all these people do you? I told her I didn't care who I threw up in front of.. It needed to come out.

      Finally after 1 hour and 5 mins I got my blood taken and then raced to the bathroom to throw up.

       Good news is that I don't have gestational diabetes. I do have low blood sugar though.

You Know You're a Mom When..

     This is silly.. But my past few days off, I literally spend hours a day laying on my bed just watching my little guy kick me :) it's the best thing ever. I love you, baby!

Wow, My Baby is Active!

      Since 4am this morning.. Until 730am, when I took a nap.. My son has been moving like crazy! I woke up to pee and he's all like, hey mom! *kick, kick!*. When I roll over to the other side, I feel him rolling too.. Then he's like, sorry! Can't get rid of me! I didn't even feed him to make him move. He's wild all on his own :).  Everyone says he's probably running out of room! Already! I do have 11ish weeks left. 

       I'm still getting hit hard during this 3rd trimester. Morning sickness is coming back, I could sleep 16 hours a day and it wouldn't be enough.. My back is killing me, and I'm sometimes so hungry but can't eat because I'm so full. Ugh. 

        Happy belated Father's Day to my sons father. I didn't call you, knowing you would probably flip on me.. But all day I thought about you. I hope you thought of your son. <3

New Symptom of 6th Month

    The pregnancy Symptom of the month is definitely chafing of the thighs. Even when I was heavier, I have never had it this bad. My thighs aren't even that big, and they still rub! Tonight at work, after halfway through my shift.. I couldn't walk. It's that bad. I'm lying on my bed now. I just out gold bond on it. At first it burned, but now it's a stinging coldness.

     I've finally got quite an appetite, though I still can't eat much at one time. I'm afraid at my next appointment they're going to say, hey you gained 10 lbs! I think I feel that way more because my bump is finally showing. It's wonderful! And sad. Sad because I feel far but wonderful because I finally look pregnant :)

Non hormonal Post

      Sorry for all of the emo posts lately. I tell ya, my hormones are running me ragid. I'm a front end manager and dealing with customers is taking a toll on me right now. Actually, the worst part is dealing with my cashiers. Especially the new ones, whom I'm pretty sure hey believe their job is to keep pushing me until I snap them in half and fire them. 

     Sigh. I'm trying to get through this with my job still intact. I think I should just take a super long maternity leave. Pssssh, if I could afford it, I would be out of there right now.  Yesterday, it was so hot that I couldn't breathe. No air conditioning. Besides killing me, I think their trying to kill the customers.

     The good news is that I finally have a super cute bump! It's so exciting! Every day, it gets a bit bigger :). I actually have two small stretch marks! I know I shouldn't be excited, but I am. It means my baby and body are growing!