Feeling Nastalgia

     I'm halfway through my pregnancy and I'm already missing it. I just keep thinking, I know this pregnancy has been physically and emotionally draining, but I am going to miss my child moving around inside of me. I can feel him moving around right now, and it makes my heart lighter. I know, it'll be even better when he's here.. But I'm still going to miss this feeling. 

     On a darker note, I really wish that my full time job paid me a wage I can actually live on so I can get my own place. There's tons of options for a single mom, I'm just not sure what they are yet. I'm not comfortable living with my mother, stepfather. And little sister: they drive me insane and can sometimes feel overbearing. I know they love me, but right now I feel smothered. I need some advice. What do I do next?

This Momma Wants Left Alone

      I thrive when being surrounded by people. Of course, I also like my alone time.

      Since becoming pregnant, it's becoming more frequent that I want to be alone. I kind of wish I had my own place so I could do that. Sometimes I wish I wasn't working so I wouldn't have to be surrounded by so many people. I'm not sure if it's the hormones or because my depression is bad and I'm just trying to shove everyone away.

      Sadly, I care too much about everyone's feelings and I don't push them away, as much as my mind wants to. I'm also becoming very upset when people touch me. Usually, I am a very touchy-feely person, but lately it bothers me to have people touching me in any way. As I said before, it may be the pregnancy, or I may just not want anyone but Him to touch me in any personal way, so once again.. Depression or pregnancy?

      Some days I feel like our relationship was just a happy dream... Then I look at my belly.

Movement is Like a Balloon in My Belly

     Lately, I've been feeling all kinds of movement. Nothing too harsh, though sometimes he does jab me. It's mostly like a finger sliding along the inside of your stomach. I know that sounds incredibly weird, but it's also unbelieveable. It's a baby moving. It's crazy.

    I just took a shower and before I stepped in, it felt like my baby was a small balloon, set loose in my stomach. I love it.

Sex of My Baby

     Finally got an ultrasound where my baby cooperated! My baby is.... A boy!! Adrian Charles :).  At the beginning, the guy said, oh, he's head butting your bladder! I was like, yes... That explains why I just got a sudden urge to pee! I used to think people were crazy for thinking that their babies were cute already in the ultrasound.. But I have totally joined the ultrasound. 

     I didn't  tell the father today though.. My heart is still too bruised to attempt to talk to him again. I wanted so much for him to be there. Sigh. 

Heavy Breasts. My goodness.

      At the start of this pregnancy, my bra size was a 38D. Right now, I'm at a 40DDD. My breasts are soooo heavy. I hate going without a bra anymore because I can feel them pulling down and it's so uncomfortable. Especially for my back. I wonder if this means I'm going to produce lots of milk?

     I'm also hoping they don't get much bigger. I already have to buy bras online. Sigh. 

    I asked my mom whether hers grew this much, and she told me she only went up two sizes. One the first trimester and one the third.

     Another thing that comes with pregnancy is vivid dreams. I'm having dreams about my ex. I'm trying not to be upset but still miss him terribly. Especially after the dreams.

Baby Blogs

     I'm not the kind of person to sit around and read the 'what to expect when you're expecting'. Instead, I find myself reading expectant mother blogs. Since reading them, I've been able to give my friends advice who are farther along than me and aren't sure what's happening or is going to happen. Thank you, mommy blogs! It's nice to have a moms view who is/has gone through this whole thing.

      I also just read a lady's blog about how she has three kids and one was up sick all night. That means she was up all night. She woke up her other two and then accidentally fell back asleep. Her 4 and 6 year old daughters dressed themselves (after checking their moms phone to see that rain is on their way) and caught the bus out front when they knew it was time, leaving their mom to sleep. They knew she had been up all night with the youngest. 

     I hope to have children who love me like this and grow up to take care of themselves. I am so lucky to be having this baby. I'm this baby's world already. I'm hoping, if I end up doing this alone, that I'll be able to be the mother my child needs.

Baby Carrier In the Morning

    When I wake up in the morning, usually I look pretty awesome with my hair sticking up in every which way. Now that I'm pregnant, I look even worst. Every last piece of my hair is sticking on edge and I look like I have a massive hangover from how exhausted my eyes look. I really wish I had someone to tell me I look beautiful in the morning, because I may actually believe them if they have the nerve to say it. Later in the day, you don't see my awfulness, so you can't tell me I'm beautiful and truly mean it.

       Yes, I just woke up. Don't mind the hormones.

Baby Bump Picture

5 weeks compared to 19 weeks (blue shirt) you can see the difference.. Especially in my exhausted face :) 

Joining Single Mom Club

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been going through such an emotional swirl of events, that I haven't even thought of posting. I don't want to bore you with too much detail... Apparently I'll be a single mother. I know, it can be done. It just crushed my dream of a family. Being pregnant did not help me cope either. The emotions were awful and I was sobbing for almost a week straight with barely any pause. Thank you, hormones.

     So, in 11 days I'm going back for an anatomy scan because with the first one, my baby didn't want to turn around! I've also felt a lot of movement lately. I love it and can't wait for the full force! My morning sickness is fading away. I've only thrown up twice in the past two weeks. Go me! I think I'm gaining a bit of weight too. I'm still selfconscience about it.. But while wearing maternity clothes, I think I look awesome :)