Pregnancy Milestone

     I've finally reached a pregnancy milestone that I've been looking forward too! I'm 35 weeks and 2 days.. And I've finally come to the point where I can't see my feet when I stare straight down! I know. You probably think I'm strange.. But I'm so excited to finally be noticeably pregnant and not having everyone think I'm fat!

   Though I'm still feeling depressed, I'm throwing myself into helping my sister in law get things around for my baby shower. I've also just finished an 8 day stretch at work so the exhaustion helped keep my tears away. I've also been reading any extra moment I have .

     It's so strange to think that I'm really growing a baby!

Sigh. Still Not Okay.

       I love that my baby has been so active. I'm happy that this one thing in life is going well. 

       Everything else is bringing me pain. I dreamt last night that I was about to commit suicide, and I was okay with it. I was ready. I don't want to be that weak person and leave my baby. I think work gave me another anxiety attack as well. My heart wouldn't stop racing for an hour. I even called the doctor and went to get it checked out.

     I just don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard to feel any kind of normal emotion because pregnancy throws them all out of whack. I pray ever day that some day I'll be happy. Some day soon.

Orange Juice Boost

    My son wasn't moving as much as I'd like him to. (Paranoid) so I drank a glass of iced cold orange juice! Hehe. He's moving like crazy. 

      I had a weird thing happen today. I had just gotten into work and my heart started beating insanely. I sat down and relaxed and it still wouldn't go away. It lasted an hour so I finally called the doctor. They had me to straight in to see if they could  find out what's up. They said they'd call but they haven't. The funny part was, the lady realized my heart rate went up when I talked so she asked about Kmart and it absolutely skyrocketed. Sigh. Too bad I can't afford to not be working.

He's a Keeper

     I just are a bowl of strawberry shredded wheat cereal. 10 minutes after, My son started moving like crazy inside of me! He obviously loved it! Then after a few moments he slowed down because he got hiccups. He is so freaking cute. Definitely a keeper. I'm excited that he's overly exciteable like his mom ;)

      He's going to be here within 8 weeks! <3

Only 8 more weeks!

      There's only 8 more weeks until my due date! Today, I was excited all day long. My pregnant friend who is 3 weeks behind me, was telling me how nervous she is because she doesn't have and motherly tendency. I was born with the capacity to love very one like crazy.. And to care. A lot. So I'm not worried about being a mom. My worries are more centered around, I don't know how to be a dad and a mom. No one around me has been through this, so there's no help there either.. I keep praying that Rob will be a part of our life. Every day I'm hopeful, yet I don't ever let myself actually feel the hope, because he's already hurt me more than I can handle..