Feeling Uneasy

     One of my best friends told me that he admired me for being so strong. I've been through so much pain and heart ache since he's met me, and he thinks I'm this great person for surviving. I tried to explain I'm still so broken inside.

       Then another friend said she would have given up long ago if she had to go through what I am.

       I'm not going to go into details,  but they honestly don't know how much pain I'm constantly in. It's so sad. It's been over three months since he's left me, and my heart is still bleeding for me. I even tried to think I could be over him. How could I love someone who would do this to me? But that thinking doesn't work because I know exactly why I fell in love with him, and that's not something I can unfeel. Then I trusted him enough to have his baby. I'm having his baby. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't want to be in his sons life? How could this man who had his life centered around me and his child just leave us and not think of us? If he does want time with his son, how can I be around him and not die inside because of the life I lost with him? I'll be exstatic if he wants to see our son.. But distance hasn't worked any on my heart.

    I'm just suffering a lot today. I wish he would call and at least ask how his son is doing.. I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong. My walls are crushed into tiny specks and there's nothing holding the pain inside. It's pouring through my body. I don't know what I'm doing. Nothing is making me truly happy and I miss that feeling. To smile and mean it. For it to light up my face and brighten my soul..

Glucose Test

      I had this about two weeks ago and just haven't posted about it. It was crappy.

      They told me I didn't need to fast, so I ate a two egg cheese omelet. I was feeling a little queasy, because since I have entered my third trimester, I've been throwing up every other day. I drove to the hospital.. They made me drink the 'lemonlime' drink. At first, I was like, oh! This isn't so bad! Very sweet. Then it actually stung my throat. And then... The aftertaste was awful. I went back out into the waiting room. After 30 minutes I was ravenous and felt like I hadn't ate in days! This wouldn't have been so bad but when I get hungry like that.. I also get nauseated. 45 minutes went by. I was ready to throw up the drink. Which is bad because then you have to drink it again and start over. 

      Thankfully, one of my friends who just found out she was pregnant was there to try and distract me. She kept telling me, you don't want to throw up in front of all these people do you? I told her I didn't care who I threw up in front of.. It needed to come out.

      Finally after 1 hour and 5 mins I got my blood taken and then raced to the bathroom to throw up.

       Good news is that I don't have gestational diabetes. I do have low blood sugar though.

You Know You're a Mom When..

     This is silly.. But my past few days off, I literally spend hours a day laying on my bed just watching my little guy kick me :) it's the best thing ever. I love you, baby!

Wow, My Baby is Active!

      Since 4am this morning.. Until 730am, when I took a nap.. My son has been moving like crazy! I woke up to pee and he's all like, hey mom! *kick, kick!*. When I roll over to the other side, I feel him rolling too.. Then he's like, sorry! Can't get rid of me! I didn't even feed him to make him move. He's wild all on his own :).  Everyone says he's probably running out of room! Already! I do have 11ish weeks left. 

       I'm still getting hit hard during this 3rd trimester. Morning sickness is coming back, I could sleep 16 hours a day and it wouldn't be enough.. My back is killing me, and I'm sometimes so hungry but can't eat because I'm so full. Ugh. 

        Happy belated Father's Day to my sons father. I didn't call you, knowing you would probably flip on me.. But all day I thought about you. I hope you thought of your son. <3

New Symptom of 6th Month

    The pregnancy Symptom of the month is definitely chafing of the thighs. Even when I was heavier, I have never had it this bad. My thighs aren't even that big, and they still rub! Tonight at work, after halfway through my shift.. I couldn't walk. It's that bad. I'm lying on my bed now. I just out gold bond on it. At first it burned, but now it's a stinging coldness.

     I've finally got quite an appetite, though I still can't eat much at one time. I'm afraid at my next appointment they're going to say, hey you gained 10 lbs! I think I feel that way more because my bump is finally showing. It's wonderful! And sad. Sad because I feel far but wonderful because I finally look pregnant :)

Non hormonal Post

      Sorry for all of the emo posts lately. I tell ya, my hormones are running me ragid. I'm a front end manager and dealing with customers is taking a toll on me right now. Actually, the worst part is dealing with my cashiers. Especially the new ones, whom I'm pretty sure hey believe their job is to keep pushing me until I snap them in half and fire them. 

     Sigh. I'm trying to get through this with my job still intact. I think I should just take a super long maternity leave. Pssssh, if I could afford it, I would be out of there right now.  Yesterday, it was so hot that I couldn't breathe. No air conditioning. Besides killing me, I think their trying to kill the customers.

     The good news is that I finally have a super cute bump! It's so exciting! Every day, it gets a bit bigger :). I actually have two small stretch marks! I know I shouldn't be excited, but I am. It means my baby and body are growing!